You Don't Need Tissues for This One

So this isn't going to be some sentimental airplane story that'll make you feel something in your heart and inspire you to put your best foot forward. I'll save that sort of thing for therapists.

I have a platonic relationship with airplane personal TVs, a.k.a. "In-Flight Entertainment." For most, the LED screens on the back of the seats in front of them exist just to kill time on long flights. For me, those screens give life a new meaning.

All my life, independent thinking, erudition, and creativity have been stressed as important virtues. I swear if you look, they'll be somewhere in the modern Ten Commandments: Thou shall think for thyself #OG. But what if I don't like having to think and say profound things all the time like a modern Yoda. I mean, Jaden Smith's tweets do that for me. What if I just want to watch Just For Laughs: Gags and see people freak out when they witness a woman give birth to an alien mealworm baby? What if I just want to watch The Other Woman and marvel at Niki Minaj's assets without being judged for it by people who lack appreciation for body architecture? What if I want to watch a movie without having to partake in familial democratic debates? (Even now, if I hear my mother say one more thing about how violent movies spawn murderers, I will stick a pencil in my eye.)

Personal televisions are my refuge, my quiet place. On a plane, I can choose what to watch without dealing with the invalid opinions, judgments, and existence of other human beings. A tender, pristine love that I could never feel for a human being blooms within me for these heavenly devices. Airplane TVs don't need my empathy and don't need me to say, "I agree with you," "I care about you," "Love you, too," or other lies I tell to appease the annoying people around me.

People say my mania for complete control and my cynical lifestyle are signs that I will be the Cat Lady of all cat ladies. That is when I have to politely tell them that that is a very rude and insensitive statement because I am deathly allergic to cats. If you want a moral to this story because you're one of those people that need pretty bows to tie up every piece of writing...sorry, I don't have one. But what I do have is an undying love for airplane personal televisions. That's actually all I have and as far as I'm concerned, all I'll ever need.

Category: Airplanes

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